When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
