I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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