You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
