Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
