By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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