when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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