Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
