So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
