By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
it's like heaven, but drunker
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
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We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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