It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
