i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
