Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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