Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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