how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
