I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
