Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
