Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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