no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
