I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
