why do cheetos always look like penises
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
