Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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