3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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