Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Is Oprah even human
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
