i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
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It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.