This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
