I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
