life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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