3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
