Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
