A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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