Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
