I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
