I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
