her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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