got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
