Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
