strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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