The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
