It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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