Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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