Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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