You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
