You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
