he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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