im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
