Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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