I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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