Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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