Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
