life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
