I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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