Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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