Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The feeling are messing with the penis
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
