I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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