ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
