I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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