Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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